December 17 was a stressful day. The hernia surgery that I had that day was rescheduled to an earlier check-in time at 5 AM. The surgeon was concerned that the powerful storm that would move in later that day would cause a power failure, and she wanted her team to be able to go home in safety. As I recovered from the surgery on the couch at home that afternoon, the wind was howling, the power went out, and part of our roof was blown off. Our house was under contract, and we had to deliver it with an intact roof. This was a perfect storm!
Fortunately, the roof came with a warranty from when it had been installed years earlier. The warranty company handled the claim promptly and professionally, but the contractor assigned to make the repairs took several weeks to begin the work. Because we had to deliver the house to the buyers with the roof intact, this led to a flurry of emails and phone calls that tested my ability to stay calm and grounded. During one conversation, Liza—the representative from the warranty company—said, “Thank you for not taking it out on me.”
This was profound. Throughout the process of getting the repairs done I did my best to be kind and professional, probably with varying degrees of success. Her comment made me aware that we sometimes take our stress or frustrations out on the person who we are working with, and she thanked me for not doing that. The other thing about her comment that struck me was that she articulated her appreciation. Sometimes we leave words of gratitude and kindness unsaid, which is a lost opportunity.
This then raises the question on how to deal with others in situations where we feel angry, stressed, or frustrated. Here are four pointers.
Don’t complain, instead ask for help. When things don’t work out the way we would like, we tend to complain. A few years ago, I missed my connection to the last flight of the day, and I was stuck on an airport away from home. I went to the customer service desk of the airline, and there were 6 people ahead of me. These people all complained to the agent. This was the person with the power to rebook them on a flight the next day (or not) and give them hotel and meal vouchers (or not). This is the last person you want to complain to! Even though the sense of anger or frustration is real, it usually works well to simply ask for help. Most people want to help, so just ask for help when you need it. This not only sets the process in action to have a problem resolved; it also makes both parties feel good. Here are the key words: “I have a problem; can you help me?”
Don’t take it personal. The fact that an issue cannot be resolved does not mean this is caused by personal intent. We may feel that the lack of immediate resolution is caused by others disliking us. But when the roofing contractor did not start the repairs, that did not mean that the contractor held something against me. The contractor might have been overwhelmed by all the work caused by the storm damage, who knows? By taking something personally we usually make everything more difficult, because now we must deal with our negative feelings in addition to the issue we are facing.
Don’t make it personal. When we feel frustrated because it is difficult to get something done, we may feel a temptation to blame the other person. As an example, a perfect way to spoil a personal or business relation is to say: “come on, be reasonable.” Now we are implicitly blaming the other person for being unreasonable. Making a frustrating situation personal usually generates a defensive reaction which tends to slow down the process of resolving the situation.
Set a positive intention. Setting a positive intention reduces the chance of being carried away by negative emotions. When I must make a telephone call to sort out an issue, I often set myself the following intention: “at the end of the call I want the other person to feel good about this conversation.” This intention helps me be constructive and positive.
It is easy to forget these simple steps, as I sometimes do. But everything goes easier when we remember to be kind and constructive. Liza expressed this with her words of gratitude, and with her help the roof was ultimately repaired in time.