Close to my home in Eugene is a scene that stopped me in my tracks. On Columbia street there are railroad tracks of the tram that used to run there. In the middle of the tracks is a huge utility pole. The scene is funny because of its absurdity. The presence of the pole defeats the purpose of having the tracks: there is no way a tram can move beyond the pole. The tracks are, obviously, not used any more, but the scene symbolizes that we sometimes place barriers in the way that prevent us from moving forward. One can say that the progress of the tram is sabotaged by the utility pole. And perhaps surprisingly, we sometimes sabotage ourselves.
Self-sabotage can manifest in different ways; here are a few examples.
Procrastination is a common form of self-sabotage. Sometimes we are simply not starting what we have set out to do. We may not know how to get started, and we do not seek the help that we need to get going. Procrastination can also show up by not finishing something we have set out to do. This may happen because we enjoy what we are doing and we don’t want if to end. But not finishing may also be driven by a fear that others might judge our work negatively when we finish it. For the perfectionists among us—certainly not me—it can be hard to finish a project because there always are imperfections that can be improved upon. Do you procrastinate? If so, how does it show up?
Obstructing our purpose is another form of self-sabotage. I have done this at times in my career by committing to tasks that are not very important, with the result that important activities that supported my sense of purpose did not get done. But we may defeat our purpose in other ways. Perhaps we are about to do something that scares us, and we are tardy so that we show up so late what we cannot participate anymore. These days, indulging into distraction caused by the incessant flow of information and amusement may sabotage our purpose. Have you ever done something to sabotage something that you have set out to do?
Repeating behavior that does not work for us is another way to self-sabotage. We may have recurring conflicts at work or in other situations. Some of us engage in a pattern where romantic relations fall apart repeatedly, sometimes by repeating a partner choice that does not fit. Alternatively, we may make choices that harm our mental or physical health. Do you have persistent behaviors that do not serve you?
The patterns of self-sabotage described above do not happen by chance. They are often driven by ways of thinking that get in the way, below are examples.
Being afraid of failure. Being judged can be hard since it may bring criticism or even a sense of rejection that we may take personally. A way to avoid being judged is to simply not finish so that there is nothing to judge. It is easier to face the personal decision to not finish than the judgement of others.
Being afraid of success. Paradoxically, we may be afraid of success. Being successful may set high expectations for what comes next. Can I keep up the standard? Some of us may carry a belief that we are not worthy of success.
Embarking on something we don’t really want. Sometimes we choose a path that we don’t really want to take. I have talked to students who told me they hated their field of study. They embarked on their studies because of expectations of others—parents, a teacher, the mores of peers—and prepared themselves for a future they did not enjoy either.
Not doing the work. To move forward one usually needs to do physical or mental work. Preparing for a sports event requires dedicated training, completing a degree is based on studying, and making a life change requires mental or spiritual work. Neglecting to put in the work mars progress, which may cause us to abandon our ambition.
Holding self-defeating beliefs. Our thinking matters, and our thoughts may cause self-sabotage. Deep down we may believe that we are not worthy of success, of love, of friendship, of change. We may even have convinced ourselves that these things are not meant for us. We may think that others don’t like us, or that they don’t like what we do. Some of us carry the burden of a past trauma—sometimes without being aware of this—and are reliving their trauma of the past in the present.
If any of this sounds familiar, it may be time to ask for help. As a life and career coach I help clients track down ways in which they may self-sabotage. We then dive a level deeper to get to the mental patterns that cause this behavior. In the process I help clients reframe their thinking, set constructive intentions, and translate these intentions tangible actions.
Life does not always give us what we want, sometimes life throws us curveballs. But we don’t have to throw these curveballs ourselves. We want to avoid placing a giant pole in the middle of our life’s tracks and then wander why we are stopped in our tracks … again.