This is what my friend David said on our last run together before I left Colorado to move to Oregon. This move has been a time of goodbyes. There were tears and there was laughter. Saying goodbye to friends in Colorado was hard on the one hand, but it also warmed my heart because it showed me the depth of my connections with others. The photo shows several of my dear friends, they span three generations; friendship has nothing to do with age.
How does a good friend change you? This can happen in many ways. Below I give some examples. I refrain from mentioning names because I cannot do justice to all the wonderful people that have crossed my path.
A good friend is an example by their presence and loyalty. Over several decades I have moved many times, sometimes to a different continent. And many of my friends have moved as well. But despite these moves there are good friends where the distance and the long intervals between our meetings does not matter. Their presence and their loyalty are a given, it is an unspoken expression of a commitment to be connected, regardless of what happens in our life, where we are located, or how often we meet in-person or connect by phone or video. That obviously does not happen with anybody, but when it does it is a heart-warming experience.
A good friend listens and is present. Friendship is not just for the good times; a good friend is also present when things are not going well. Being able to share our pain, frustration, or disappointment with somebody who loves us is a big deal. This is not necessarily about getting advice, it is more about having a companion who walks the road with us, even when the road is bumpy. A good friend who communicates explicitly or implicitly that “I am there, I listen, I am with you” is a tremendous support and a force of transformation.
A good friend tells you the truth. Many people will not tell the truth because the truth is not always “nice” to hear. This is especially the case when people feel they need to be deferential or polite. A good friend breaks through deference and politeness and will tell you what you need to hear. Thay may not be what you want to hear, but a good friend knows how to speak truth without making it personal or judgmental. That message can be a great stimulus for growth or for behavioral correction.
A good friend draws you into experiences you would not engage in yourself. A good friend can draw us out of our comfort zone, help us overcome limitations, or just helps us to meet people that we otherwise would not meet.
A good friend is a connection to the past. An important element for friendship is a shared past. It takes–by definition–time to build up a shared past. When that happens that shared past reveals to us the depth of our lives, whether it is because of crazy adventures, happy experiences, or by a shared grief or concern. All of life’s events can contribute to the shared past, and a good friend helps us see the richness of our life.
A good friend touches you in positive ways. Our interactions with others can be superficial or routine. But a good friend touches us in deep and positive ways. You know this is so, because seeing a good friend makes you happy, that happiness does not arise from a shallow encounter. Experiencing that happiness is a good reminder to extend that positive connection to others as well.
This then raises the question whether you are a good friend for others. To what extent do you embody the elements of friendship described above? It is one thing to think about the qualities of friendship, but giving shape to these qualities requires dedication, initiative, love, perseverance, and sometimes even forgiveness. Friendship does not grow by itself; one needs to build it. Are you a builder of friendships?