In the still face experiment of Dr Tronick, a mother plays with her baby. The baby points and the mother responds by looking in the direction where her child points. She talks to the baby in a loving way. Suddenly the mother takes on a still face, meaning that she looks at her baby without showing any expression and she is silent. Within a few seconds the child notices that something is amiss. The baby tries to get the attention of the mother, first by repeating the pointing she did earlier, and as her mother does not respond the child shrieks. The mother still does not respond, and within a minute the baby is in a complete panic.
Because of the child’s distress, the video is hard to watch, and it is a relief when the mother re-engages with her child. The bond of a mother with her child is stronger than the bond we have with other adults, but just like young children we are used to interacting with others. When somebody withdraws the emotional connection, we may feel ignored, and perhaps even abandoned. It can be an unsettling experience when we are confronted with somebody who emotionally withdraws, somebody with a still face.
What are situations where we might take on a still face? There are many triggers for this. It may be that we are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, which is captured in the acronym HALT. I don’t deal well with having a low blood sugar and can turn silent and moody when in need of calories. We may also withdraw when we are angry because our emotions may be too strong, or because we are concerned we may say or do something that we later regret. Being lonely can cause us to assume a still face as well. In the Enneagram personality test I am a type 5 (the Investigator). A vulnerability of this personality is a tendency to withdraw in isolation. A tendency to withdraw can be aggravated when being tired. Sometimes we withdraw emotionally when we are overly busy, or when our mind is elsewhere. At such times we can even withdraw physically by being late for meetings or not even show up without a word of explanation. A modern-day version of the still face is to switch off the camera in video meetings.
There are thus many different reasons for having a still face. But whatever the reason is, others feel ignored and perhaps even abandoned when we take on a still face. Their response likely is not as extreme as the baby in the experiment of Dr Tronick, but showing a still face is detrimental for personal and professional relations.
Do you know when you are taking on a still face? Are there situations where you do this? Does it happen at specific occasions, or with certain people? Do you notice it at the moment when you disengae, or you need others to point out that you are withdrawing? What does it do to your connection with loved ones or colleagues when you have a still face? Remember that every contact leaves a trace, hence it matters how we show up.
What can you do to avoid having a still face? It is important to be aware of your emotional state. It helps to make it a habit to monitor the conversation that you are having with yourself, the internal dialogue. It is a blessing when we have people around us who will call on us when taking on a still face. My wife sometimes suggests that I eat a peanut butter sandwich when I fall into hypo-glycemic silence. We may take on a still face when we are overwhelmed by emotions. This is one of the reasons why managing our emotions is important. In fact, managing emotions is one of the workshops that I offer. And when you are taking on a still face, the last thing you need is to beat yourself up with self-judgment. We sometimes just need a time-out, and that is fine when it does not last too long or becomes a regular pattern.
So spend some time monitoring to what degree you engage with others, and what makes you disengage. Once you notice a pattern you can work on your emotional engagement. Others will love it when you truly engage with them, you don’t want to treat loved ones and colleagues as the baby in the experiment of Dr Tronick.