I love the story of the ugly duckling. There was a young duck. His brothers and sisters made fun of him all the time because he was unusually lanky and had a long neck. They teased him for being an ugly duckling. As he grew older, he saw a flight of swans flying over the lake where he lived. They were the most beautiful birds he had ever seen! By that time, he could fly, and he rose into the air and joined the formation of swans. As he did so, he discovered he was not a duck, but he was a swan.
At a superficial level the story is about birds, but at a deeper level the story is about not fitting in and finally finding the tribe where you belong. One can thus read the story of the ugly duckling at two levels. As described by Clarissa Pinkola Estés in her amazing book Women Who Run with the Wolves, many fairy tales have a story behind the story.
In our daily interactions there often is also a story behind our stories. To give a personal example, I love telling stories about crazy running adventures. I like these adventures, but my accounts probably are not very interesting for the listeners. If I am honest, the story behind my running adventures is that “I am still able to go on crazy runs and thus keep old age at bay.” (Dream on Roel …) As a result, instead of having a meaningful conversation about aging, I tell uninteresting stories to others. (Note to self: stop talking about running adventures, except to fellow runners.)
Many of us spend time telling and retelling a story, without pausing to be aware of what the story behind the story is. A while ago I visited a university and met a colleague who I had not seen for several years. This colleague then spent 30 minutes telling me that did not have time to talk to me because he was so busy. I leave it to the reader to imagine what in this case the story behind the story was.
The superficial stories that we tell are often culturally determined, and they may reflect a communal mindset. Modern-day examples of such stories are about being very busy, being the victim, or being tired. I don’t want to belittle the time pressure that many of us are under, I know there are genuine victims, and many of us are chronically tired, but by making this the topic of conversations we may avoid speaking about the root-cause of these situations, and what we might do about it.
Are you repeating a story frequently? Are you aware what the story behind your story is? We often are not aware of the story behind our own story. As a result, we may bore others—like my stories about crazy runs—or we may avoid sharing what really is on our heart and mind. By spending some time listening for the story behind your story you may get insight in what is going on in your life. It also may help you elevate your superficial story to a more meaningful level. Are you paying attention?
The same is, obviously, true for others: there may be a story behind their story. They may or may not be aware of what this secondary story is. By listening for the story behind their story, you may get a new window into their situation or personality. Are you paying attention?
The reality is that at times we are terrible communicators in the sense we get stuck in the superficial story. A good coach will help you discern the story behind your story. Perhaps you always thought you were a duck, but in reality you are a swan ready to fly in formation with other beautiful swans!