We all want to be seen and heard, but are you truly listening in your conversations? From my perspective as a physicist, it seems that listening is a simple skill: we just absorb the sound waves, and that’s it! But the reality is not so simple. We only process information in a meaningful way when we pay attention, and the reality is that many of us are terrible listeners. What are the consequences when somebody speaks to us, and we don’t pay attention? Most people have sensitive emotional antennas, so they notice when we are not paying attention. As a result of not truly listening, we not only miss information that may be important, but we also communicate that your message is not important enough for me to take in. A dear friend once pointed out to me that this is what I sometimes communicate by being absent-minded. I did not want to hear his feedback—but I was listening. And I remembered that it is your friends who give you such constructive criticism. So what does it take to listen?
Pay attention. As described in the Brain Rules of John Medina, we only learn when we pay attention. This rule implies that we need to pay attention when we are listening if we are to take in the message. This means that we need to minimize distractions during our conversations. This is particularly important in conversations through a video link, because the computer that we use for the video link offers many distractions, such as email. Eliminating these distractions is important. But even when we have eliminated distractions, it is important so make an intentional effort to pay attention to the conversation.
Be silent. It may sound like a no-brainer that we need to be silent to truly listen, but this is not as trivial as it may sound. You may feel the urge to interrupt the speaker, and even if you don’t, you might feel an itch to interject a comment or anecdote as soon as the other person stops speaking. But there is value in silence. By being silent we communicate that we are interested in what the other person has to say. In addition to that, most of us find the silence hard to bear and feel an urge to fill the silence by speaking. Being silent thus invites the other to share more. We use the phrase a pregnant silence because something new can be birthed from the silence.
Ask open-ended questions. This gives the other person the chance to share what is on their heart and mind. Examples of open-ended questions or statements are: What does that mean to you? How does this feel? Tell me more … Or simply repeat the last few words that the other has spoken. And then be silent. I suggest not to ask why?, but instead ask how? or what? Asking why? pushes the other in their analytical mind—you are, after all, asking for a reason—while asking how? or what? opens-up an outlet for emotions.
Avoid emotional resonance. Let me explain this concept with an example. Suppose somebody talks to you and they describe that another person has said something hurtful. You may be tempted to respond with comments such as did they really say that? That is so unfair! You must have felt horrible! I presume you told them what you think! Such comments resonate with the person with whom you are speaking, in particular with the emotions that are involved, hence the phrase emotional resonance. But such a response only pushes the other person further into their feelings of anger or indignation. A more useful response might be to say that you are sorry that they feel hurt, and then gently explore what really happened, what this brings up, and what an appropriate response to the hurtful comment might be. In doing so you avoid strengthening the emotional state of the other, and you may help them to gain a broader and more nuanced perspective.
Suspend expectations and interpretations. Whenever we perceive something, we tend to filter the perception and relate it what we already know. We make sense of the world by classification and interpretation. Although this simplifies our perception, we run the danger of being wrong because we taint our experience with earlier knowledge, which may not be applicable. For this reason, it helps in conversations to suspend expectations and interpretations, and just be with the other person. Note that “suspending” does not mean abandoning, it just means that for the we release expectations and interpretations momentarily.
Give advice sparingly. In conversations you may feel the urge to give advice, and you may do that with the best intentions. There are situations where advice can be helpful for the other person. But the urge to give advice may be driven by a desire to come up with a quick solution to a problem, and thus end the conversation. Or we may want to give advice because we want to “fix” the other person. The reality is, though, that often we need to find our own solutions. By giving advice, we may direct others away from their own solutions. In addition, coming up with solutions is a process that has its own time scale. Giving advice may be driven by a desire to use a shortcut to that process, but the unintended consequence of the advice may be to stop the process of getting to the solution that fits the other person. Instead of giving advice you could ask questions of a liberating nature.
See the inner person. We all have an outer person and an inner person. The outer person is the body, the literal words that are spoken, and other outward expressions of who we are. In addition, we have an inner person that consists of our hopes, our desires, our pain. If you want, you can relate the inner person to our soul. The path of least resistance is to focus exclusively on the outer person. But by intentionally looking and listening for the inner person you can get glimpses of the inner person as well. Laurens van der Post writes in his book The Heart of the Hunter:
“I said that vision is complete only if we saw reality with both the outer and inner eye … I believed one did not know human beings really until one saw one saw them that way as well — in other words, knew them also through a kind of wonder they provoked in one.”
To see the inner person of somebody else, we thus need to see with an inner eye. Developing such vision takes patience, practice, and a mindset of love.
Listen for the story behind the story. Related to the previous points, sometimes people come with a story, but there is a deeper story hidden behind the story. Consider, for example, a person who complains a lot. It is easy to get caught up in the details of their complaints, one may even be resonate emotionally with the complaints. That amounts to responding to the outer person. But if somebody chronically complains, there likely is an underlying emotion that shapes that behavior. Perhaps that person feels they receive not enough love, appreciation, recognition, or compensation. That sense of not receiving “enough” can be the real reason for the chronic complaints. Listening for “the story behind the story” can help uncover the deeper feelings of the other person, which may allow us to respond more adequately to the needs of the inner person.
Take enough time for a conversation. The steps above are hard to implement when we are hurried. Time pressure makes our mind wonder and it entices us to rush the conversation. But conversations play out on their own time scale. We all need time get comfortable and to dive in deeper to get to the heart of the matter. It is therefore important to allow enough time for a conversation to unfold in a meaningful way.
So here are few questions to ponder. How are your listening skills? Are you willing to bring some of the points into practice? Do you enter a conversation with a clear intention? If not, are you willing to articulate such an intention? Do you have an open mind and an open heart in your conversations? Do you make an effort to see and hear the inner person? Do you allow enough time for your conversations?