I was a junior professor, stressed and working myself to exhaustion yet still feeling inadequate both at work and at home. So, when three students from my introductory programming course came to my office at the end of the semester with concerns about their grades, I didn’t feel I had time to deal with their complaints. I felt they simply hadn’t learned the material, and I told them to leave my office. Months of unpleasantness followed as the issue escalated and eventually came before a university arbitration committee. In hindsight I could see I should have listened to the students’ concerns. But I was too wrapped up in judgment, competition, and overwork to be kind.
As I pursued my research career, I operated from the premise that to contribute to science I had to give it everything—and I expected the same from those around me. Even though I had been trained by advisers who combined brilliance with care, I had bought into the mindset that only the fittest survive in science. It had brought me success: a solid track record of publications and funding, and a faculty position. I was also chronically tired and plagued by feelings of insufficiency when I compared myself with colleagues who were more productive and other parents who seemed to be better with their kids—but I didn’t see another way to proceed.
The turning point came a few years later during a conversation with a good friend who works outside academia. When I told them about my struggles with overwork and inadequacy, they asked, “Does the fact that you can do better mean that you are not doing a good job?” That prompt helped me see that, apart from the occasional misstep, I was doing well at my job and that my children were growing up in a loving home. I realized that what needed to change was not my work, but my mindset. I had to learn to accept that perfection is an illusion and that there is a place for compromise.
This shift made me reflect on how I wanted to behave as a scientist and a teacher. Was this career about racking up the largest number of publications? Did I want to focus my teaching on the brightest students while ignoring the needs of others? The answer to both questions was negative; yet my actions said otherwise. I needed to be more intentional about making my career meet my personal priorities.
This launched me on a decadelong effort to shift my behavior. One strategy that helped was practicing mental hygiene, an approach I learned through a psychiatrist friend and classes at an interfaith church. It taught me to monitor my thinking, eliminate toxic thoughts, and choose what mindset I want to embrace. I began to make a point of empowering others rather than judging them, finding mentors and role models to guide me and hold me accountable, refraining from gossip, and building meaningful relations as a foundation of my academic career. It wasn’t always easy, but changing my mindset was key in counteracting the negativity that can permeate academic culture, and that I had taken on.
I’ve also developed three concrete work habits that enable me to realize my intentions while also furthering my research and career: building personal connections, sharing ideas freely, and being a reliable and fun collaborator. I’ve seen how working with colleagues with whom I have a personal connection unleashes creativity and progress. Such connections don’t form overnight. But when I take the time to nurture them by sharing meals and personal conversations—which earlier in my career I might have rushed through or not done at all— I know that is time well spent. And my productivity hasn’t suffered; if anything, my research has benefited from the increased creativity and engagement.
Sometimes I fail to live up to my intentions for the simple reason that I forget and get carried away. Recently, for example, I found myself snapping at a colleague when I felt overwhelmed by bureaucratic demands in the busiest time of the semester. The good news, however, is that we don’t need to be perfect to be good. What I’ve learned in my journey of decades can be summarized in a single sentence: Just be kind.